The Reason Why Nicholai Can't Win
by Burningbridges
Summary: Do you ever wonder why Nicholai Resident Evil 3:Nemesis, RE: Apocalypse dies all the time?


I was playing "Resident Evil III: Nemesis" (for the first time in forever), and I got to thinking about Nikoali (if I spelled that wrong, tell me! My Russian spelling skills rot)… He's always getting killed. Depending on the way in which my game tends to reprogram itself, at one point he nearly gets eaten by zombies (if he's in the Umbrella office building when Jill shows up), and finally, incinerated in a gas station explosion. And let's face it; he seems to always give Jill an attitude right before it happens.

In RE: Apocalypse, doesn't he get mauled by dogs, or something? forgets, reminds self to buy movie finally

Why is it his life is a no-win situation?

The Reason Why Nikoali Can't Win

By Burning Bridges

(from the POV of some… interviewer…)

I was sitting at a small table in a café, across from a former member of the U.B.C.S., the gray-haired and ever uncouth Nikoali. He had his arms crossed, as he glared at me for no particular reason. The waiter came to our table, and looking from him to me, raised an eyebrow.

"How may I serve you today?"

"I'd like a coffee," I said casually.

"Eh," Nikoali grunted, and the waiter rolled his eyes and strolled off.

"Okay, so… I wanted to interview you - "

"I already know that," he replied harshly, "You told me over the phone before you started screaming at the computer."

I stared, an exasperated expression carved into my features. "You didn't let me finish. AS I WAS SAYING – to interview you about your injury rate."

"Injury rate?"

"Ever notice that you're in the hospital all the time? That everything that moves makes you it's target; even inanimate objects - "

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, taking a defensive tone, "I'm perfectly healthy."

"Yeah, a 'perfectly healthy' moving target!" I laughed, and he stood to leave.

"I won't sit here and be insulted."

"Oh, come on – don't get you're vest in a ruffle! Sit down, and talk… Or I could always do something to make you stay here."

"Like what?" he scoffed, "What could you do to me?"

"Well, coat you in steak sauce, and throw you over the fence of my neighbors belligerent German Shepherds…"

He reluctantly sat back down.

"Good!" I said happily, and he resumed brooding. "I'm trying to find out why your life is so… Against you."

"I still have no idea what you mean. Things don't target me."

"Well, you're a very skilled soldier or whatever - "

"Mercenary," he corrected, smoothing out the wrinkles in his black shirt.

"Mercenary, right… Shouldn't a skilled guy like you be more efficient at avoiding getting half-killed all the time?"

"My job's very dangerous, if you don't mind!"

"Then explain to me why your old companion Carlos was barely ever injured?"

He looked around, trying to buy time for an excuse. "Are you kidding me?"

"Medical records don't lie, Comrade Nikoali!" I giggled, and he gave me the death glare.

"That's not funny…"

"So, you wanna talk about when you were attacked by zombies in the lab-thing?" I smiled sweetly, hoping to goad a informative response out of him sooner or later.

"It wasn't a lab, it was an office building. They just stored medicines there, and company pamphlets."

"Jill went in to explore the storage room, and you were nearly mauled by a mob of zombies that busted through the window while you were examining that bloke you shot."

"That no-good wench should have been keeping a look out," he muttered.

"Well, I didn't see you making any effort to watch the street."

"You weren't there – you couldn't see me."

"I meant that you were too busy typing. So what happened when they attacked? Jill heard a real pathetic scream and didn't know where you went without your pc in such a hurry."

"Bitch…" he muttered quietly. "I escaped after being chewed on by those revolting things."

"Haha! That's great!" I said, as the waiter brought my cup of coffee, and Nikoali muttered profanity to himself.

"And the incident with the gas station, what about that?"

Nikoali groaned, and I could tell he didn't want to remember, but I continued anyway.

"Jill was picking through the remainder of the useful parts when you – stupidly standing in a puddle of gasoline – tripped up the electrical line, caused a spark, and blew yourself up, as well as causing a flashover that engulfed the whole place, and blew it to smithereens."

Nikoali shook his head slowly, and then questioned, "Flashover?"

"It's a phenomenon – Gee, I love that word! – where one part of something's on fire, and then the whole thing suddenly goes up without warning."

He groaned again, covering his eyes.

"How'd you avoid getting incinerated?"

"I don't know! I was unconscious!"

"Well, according to a firefighter that put the blaze out after a rescue team unbarricaded the city and went looking for survivors, they found you, burnt to a crisp, under a large chunk of cement."

"I went through months of recovery in a burn ward… And thousands in plastic surgery…"

"And then the dogs."

"No," he said, shaking a hand in my face. "Don't bring that up."

"You've died… Like, three times! You keep cheating death, and then… Yeah."

He muttered to himself. "How do you know all this stuff, anyway? Did that bitch Jill tell you?"

"Not necessarily… I have sources…"

"What sources?"

"Sources, like the kind of sources that tell me you wear camouflage boxers…"

"You have cameras, don't you!"

"No - "

"You said you didn't see me checking the street!"

"That was a slip!"

"Yeah, sure," he said, crossing his arms.

"Anyhow…," I said, changing the subject, "Why can't you win?"

"My life is fine, it's normal, and I have no problem accomplishing things."

"Dying three times is normal to you?"

"Shut up!" he shouted, grabbing my half-full cup of coffee and chucking it at me, but missing, and hitting a passing car instead.

The car swerved into another car, sending a fender flying through the air.

Nikoali looked down, studied the fender that had impaled him through the stomach, and screamed loud enough for all of the city to hear.

"MMMMOOOOTTTTHHHHEEEERRRRFFFFFFFCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEERRRRRRR!"

The Undeniable End.

That fender thing… Sounds like a bad rip-off of the first "(The) Omen" movie. You know, where the priest is looking up at the lightning rod, and you screaming at the TV that if he 'takes a step to the right or left, that it'll miss him completely', and he stands there and gets impaled? Yeah, maybe I only do that…

If you love RE, review!


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